TO TRUST OR TO WORRY?
I woke up a few mornings ago, sweating and racked with anxiety. I had been having bad dreams. Different dreams all night long that all had a common connecting factor. They were laced with the emotion of fear. Fear of losing the people I loved. Fear of not stepping up in my career and fulfilling my true purpose. Fear of physical harm coming to myself in a variety of forms. Dream after dream had hit me via my unconscious mind and I had woken up feeling like I had been beaten with clubs all night, rather than the truth, which was that I had been sleeping in a soft king size bed with my loving partner in a plush Florida hotel room.
Breathing deeply for a few moments, I managed to calm my racing heartbeat and slowly acclimatize to my surroundings. I gradually saw the truth once more that none of the things that I had dreamed of were actually happening (at least not in this dimension of the universe), that I was physically safe and healthy and that I still had freewill and a choice in how I would be showing up in the world today. Phew! Panic over.
As I was brushing my teeth later that morning I found myself thinking about how often as human beings we choose to view the events of our lives through the lense of worry and fear. Our tendency for ‘story making’ can create something from nothing at the drop of a hat and fashion a compelling illusionary movie of our future that is so believable, we can spend hours if not days lost in its fury. I had lost count of the times that I had done this to myself, worrying about ‘what might happen’, ‘what that person might do’, ‘what would happen to my reputation if I did that wrong’.
The word ‘might’ is key. ‘Might’ is my verbal hint that I am making up a story. A subtle clue that it hasn’t actually happened otherwise it would be a ‘did’. It isn’t happening now because if it was it would be an ‘is’.
Past – That did happen
Present – This is happening
Future – That might happen
The past is also tricky for me I realized in that I have a habit of attaching a ‘might’ to the ‘did’.
‘That might happen again because it did in the past’
As soon as the ‘might’ enters into the fray then I know I am making something up. Its an interesting exercise to start to notice the language with which your narrate your life.
Now there is nothing inherently wrong with making things up. In fact as a storyteller by nature and calling, I believe that this ability is one of our most powerful tools as a human being in manifesting change and progress within our lives (I have written about this in previous blogs so won’t go into it in too much detail again here) – safe to say that I believe our ability to create stories is our ability to create life.
The important thing that clarified this for me as I spat my toothpaste into the sink, is that it is crucial where my story was being created from. When we create our future ‘might’s’ from a place of worry and fear then we energise the story to unfold within that mindset and emotional vibration. However, when we run exactly the same story making process from a different place, say one of love, humour and trust then our future ‘might’s’ manifest in a very different way.
I want to say a few words here on trust.
For me trust is a process of letting go. Of relinquishing any human ‘control’ I might want to have over a situation in favour of a higher purpose or common good for all. Trust expands for me in three nested circles; all of them having various flavours and shades in the way they are experienced and seen.
Personal trust – trust in myself, my own integrity, my honesty (to myself and others) and my ability to roll with the punches and deal with pretty much any life challenge or lesson that comes my way.
Collective trust – trust in others, in the basic goodness of most human beings. Trust in the common good, shared human values and ethics like love, respect and service. Trust of those in my life (human and non human) and that what I put out to them, I receive back in return. Karmic relating. Love.
Universal trust – faith in a universal consciousness and energy that is far greater than my human brain can comprehend; yet my human heart can sense. Trust that I will always be spiritually safe no matter what the external circumstances. That I am an eternal soul in human form and that I am here to experience life in all its forms.
Just thinking about the different forms of trust immediately helped me to see my disturbing dreams of the night before from a new place, and more importantly to feel differently about them. The contraction in my solar plexus relaxed and I was able to smile with a wan sense of humour at the turmoil I had put myself through with my ‘might’s’. Trust was my deep ocean and worry just waves that crashed across its surface. When I find myself drawn into their power and rolled and tumbled by their might, I just have to remember to take deep breaths and dive beneath the surface of the noisy worry story into the quiet, calm depths of the bigger story of trust.
Later that morning, I decided to embed my peace even further by heading off to a yoga class at a studio in Cocoa Beach, Florida where we were staying. It was a gorgeous studio, taught by a beautiful teacher. At the end of the class as we were all settling into our final resting pose she softly spoke:
‘I have come to realise just how important our moods are in life. That we can see any challenge as an enhancing experience if we are in the right mood to do so. Equally, that we can allow our negative emotions to take over and let us believe that our world is ending at the slightest thing. Your whole life is a reflection of your moods’.
I smiled and relaxed deeply into my savasana. Trust is where I choose to live and create my stories.